Writing, a PhD and Dreaming Big

So it has been a while (I feel like that's the first line of every blog post), so I thought I would use this oppotunity to do a couple of things. First, I wanna talk about Brett. I don't often discuss his PhD program because let's be honest, we're not on speaking terms. I hate school. Ahem. I mean, I'm Lindsay Lohan and it's Rachel McAdams. And she keeps stealing my man! (Pouty face), but don't worry. I'm getting over it. Slowly, but surely. Long story short, Brett was planning on graduating this year, but we have decided to extend to a fifth year due to a few things. We both feel it would be best for him. The frustrating part is that because he needs more time, the school won't pay for him to be here. We have been soooo blessed with an assistantship and haven't acccumulated any student debt here which liike I said, BLESSING! Now we will have to figure some things out, so if you'd like to keep us in your prayers, it would be much appreciated. Especially if you keep Brett in them. He is so smart and so driven, but his projects are so hard. He feels like every step he takes forward, he takes two steps back. So more than anything, prayers for him to believe in himself and for his models to work out would be excellent! Thanks in advance!
On to my book. So I have really wanted to write my book for a very long time. I made lots of announcements and did lots of talking about it to keep me on track. Let me first say, I am on track! Excellently on track. For the first time since 8 years of dreaming this dream would come true, I have a first draft! I am so beyond excited about it! What I didn't intend on happening, was for my characters to need to be different than I had dreamed them up. Basically, what happened was Draft 1 was a place to start or so I thought. Upon further revision and thinking, i realizied it's actually book 3...Not book 1. So, the whole April 31st deadline thing...not going to work because now I have to write book 1 and book 2 before releasing book 3. Insert stomping and crying here.
I have met some excellent people here who have been helping me accomplish this dream and who have been encouraging me to better myself. In all reality, I'm basically a greenie who is just starting out. I'm realizing this dream will take years of hard, hard work to come to fruition. So thank you for all of your supporting and cheering up and encouraging. Please be patient with me. Those who I've promised to let read my book, you can. Just not yet because it's not written. I am also thinking about taking a hiatus for reading. I've never been much on reading, but in order to hone in on my craft, I have to study how others do it and there is only one way to do that: READ, READ, READ, READ,READ.
So please feel free to ask about my book. I will continue writing. I will continue dreaming and moving towards making those dreams come truee. But I want to do this right. When I come to an editor some day and pitch this, I want to be confident that they'll take my story. The last thing I want is for this novel to never been seen by any one because of my impatience to get it started.
Lastly, dreaming. Sigh. Us Devines do a lot of that. I am excited for life and what is in the cards for us. I am all about ddreaming big and so is Brett. We both want a lot more for our lives than we currently have, but we are sowing seeds that will bring about those changes. I found the perfect quote the other day that keeps pushing me forward when I think our dreams are enormous Goliaths in our lives: "Dreams are made a size too big so we can grow into them."
Keep dreaming, keeping working hard, and I promise one day eveything will fall into place! Hello and goodbye from Pullman, WA!!!! Thank you for reading :)

The Devine Family

It's Been Forever. Here's What I'm Doing!

So I thought I'd write a post and put it out there instead of trying to tell people why I've dropped off the edge of the earth recently!

First off, things are amazing here in Pullman, WA. I have learned to love this place even though the weather and I are not friends at the moment. So as some of you know, I was just released from 16 months as the Relief Society President. Hardest year + of my life- But most rewarding thing I have ever done! Wow, I tell ya what, if you want a to compile a list of all the things you want to change about yourself, get called to this calling! (For those of you who don't know, with our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we volunteer for things called callings. Being the Relief Society President means in essence watching out for and administering to all the women in the ward.) I learned soooo much not just about me, but about my Father in Heaven and about the beautiful women I get the privilege to rub shoulders with EVERY week! It was amazing and I'm still sad to see it go, but the person who was called as my replacement is someone I respect and admire very much so I'm so grateful I have had the opportunity to get to know her more (if you know who I'm talking about, she is AMAZING-Nothing but good things can be said about her!). Anywho, the point to this whole thing is that my time exploded in my face when I was released! I had all of these organization skills (that didn't come into play until the last 3 months of the calling might I add) that I needed to use now that they were a part of the new and improved me! So I put myself to work in filling up those hours.

My hubby as most of you know is a PhD student at WSU. He works very long and hard for our future and we are in this to win this so he is gone a lot. Instead of doing what I normally do (watch TV), I put my efforts and energy to uplifting things that will help me grow and become better. My motto was this: When I'm done with my life do I really want to look back and only be able to tell my creator about the vast amounts of Netflix I watched? Really??? So here's what I've been doing to add color to my life while the hubs is gone :)

First: I committed to succeeding and finally making working out a part of my life. I started doing P90X and guess what? I fell in love with it! I even make references to it that no body gets (like a pterodactyl backin' out of trouble- bacah! Bacah!) but me and I secretly laugh to myself and say, "Oh Tony..." hahahaha. I decided the best time of day for me to commit to myself was in the morning before I am exhausted from a long day of work. 4 am was butt crack of dawn early and 6am was too late, so I settled for 5am. Each and every day, I'd wake up and push myself to work out and though I am not perfect and actually haven't worked out in a week from a severe head cold (cough, cough, sniff),  I did!! And the best part is I will keep going!!

Second: And this is actually the most important part of my day: scripture reading. I have NEVER been good about reading my scriptures, but I decided the missionaries must have some good insight if they work out and THEN read scriptures so I tried it. Guess what? LOVED IT! Honestly, I chalk my success of working out to putting the Lord first. There is NOTHING more important than reading the doctrine that He has sent to us through his prophets. I am so grateful for the personal revelation that I have been blessed with on this endeavor. Again, not perfect, but trying and that is the best thing! I have even found that I am listening more to conference talks. Oh my goodness, I found myself listening to it while cleaning a lady's house this morning. It put sooo much more meaning into my day and what I was doing! I LOVE CONFERENCE!!!!

Third: I picked up piano. I have been practicing like a crazy person so that someday I can be that concert pianist I have ALWAYS wanted to be. There is an amazing lady from the UK who gives online lessons for free. Check her out HERE . I have learned sooo much from her and let's be real: free is always the best way. Which  brings me about to my next section:

Fourth: This is a scary thing for me to say especially where so many of my friends and family can read it about me: I SUCK at finances. I love spending and nickle and dime myself to death. That's a fact and I'm finally girl enough to say it...or type it...??.. Anywho, so I decided to do something about it. Me and Handsome Boy got together and created a budget. i'm usually the one who buys/pays everything so mainly it was me bein' like, "Ok?" and he nodded in agreement ha ha. Anywho, I am proud to say that after a few weeks of sincerely trying, I am makin' progress! I'm not a millionaire yet and certainly haven't paid off our credit card debt or anything, but I am on my way there! The fact that we have a 2014 Toyota Corolla, while yes it was a dumb situation in the first place (our car got stolen and we felt extremely inspired to buy a car THE WEEKEND BEFORE A ROBBER STOLE MY BABY and this was the ONLY friggin' thing out there...), has helped us immensely with learning to put our finances in order. Saying that this much money has to go to this place OR ELSE has been a great curve ball for Handsome Boy and I to learn and grow from though I do NOT recommend it for anybody else out there!!! Leasing sucks. The end. Ya live and learn right?? :S To help us get out of debt, I picked up a house cleaning gig on my weekends. $12 an hour for four hours a week doesn't sound like much, but compounded weekly for a year (Read the Compound Effect for reals), it adds up to $2496! I also picked up a mural for my doctor's office to help with Christmas. Pictures coming soon along with bags under my eyes...wait, those are already there!

Fifth: My story. I have told a lot of people about this and honestly, I haven't made much progress, but I think about it every day. Why am I adding it to the list of things I'm doing? Because it has helped me to become a better person. Brett is ALWAYS pushing books at me being like, "Wanna read this?" I usually turn my nose up at it (I am a TV fan, not a book fan-something else I've been trying to change about myself). Lately though, i'm realizing that I have sooo much growing to do! My characters, while yes intriguing lack depth and layers to them that will bring intrigue and interest from my readers. So... I'm going to put it on the back burner and learn HOW to write/tell a story before "writing by the seat of my pants" (that's a term I learned in a book! WAHOO!).

Sixth: This is the grandest, most awesomest part of all!! I am learning to love my husband. Most of you probably just raised your eyebrows or asked, "Huh?" Well, here's the scoop: four years of marriage for any couple is hard work. When that couple has someone who is constantly in school and stressed out, it gets a lot harder. I also have issues with separation/feeling loved already, then add in a man who HAS to be gone for school and you have yourself recipe for a disaster. I let myself think he was pulling away or that he didn't care about me which obviously could hurt our relationship. Well, that's ending and NEVER coming back. I love my husband and the more time I get to spend with him, the more I realize that. (Stop saying, "Duh Blondie!" I'm slow when it comes to relationships: Brett was my first EVERYTHING!) So that's what I'm giving him for Christmas: memories, time, ideas and things to do with each other that are free, already planned, and simple to execute so even on nights like tonight when I am super duper done with being awake, we can do SOMETHING to spend time together. He is my EVERYTHING and needs to be treated as such! Stay tuned for my blog post about his gift (wink, wink) and head on over to this dating site: AMAZING!


Well that's our story and we're stickin' with it. Brett is in his 3rd year of his PhD and is kind of hating life which is why I've avoided the topic altogether. But Black Friday and our Misfit Thanksgiving is coming up and I could not be more excited! I'm going to try to become obsessive with taking pictures since I'm a cyber hoarder and want to keep EVERYTHING, so y'all can see our lives together!I'm so blessed and lucky to live here and have the fri-amly I do (friend-family). Thanks to all of you who have changed my life for the better! LOVE YOU ALL! Happy Friday!

A Goodbye Post to the Kleiners

Today, I’m sad. The reason you ask? Because my best friend is moving away. She and her husband and two children are moving on to accept a job in Oregon, four hours away. Obviously, leaving and moving is a fact of life. They will go on and be near her family and her husband will be able to work for a job that appreciates his talents. As we speak, they are closing the door on their three bedroom apartment and piling into their overflowing vehicles to make the long drive to their new home. I can’t help but feel at a loss.

After Brett and I got married, we moved to Provo, Utah. While the people there were amazing, I didn’t feel connected to most of them. Most of the friendships I made there took a great deal of work and effort. It was exhausting trying to be who people wanted to be along with trying to be who my husband needed me to be. When we got accepted to Washington State University and learned we would now be nine hours away from my family, a lot of tears were shed. How could my husband expect me to leave those who I love so much behind? How could he ask me to move so far away? Well, I married him and when marriage takes place, certain sacrifices have to be made. I learned a lot from moving away from family and not in the least was learning to love and depend more fully upon my husband.

But just as the Lord always does, He had something better in mind when he invited us to go to Pullman, Washington. He knew that I needed someone to be able to pick me up and heal me. That’s why he sent me Brittney.

Brittney’s husband, Holger, helped us a great deal when we moved in. He then invited us to dinner, understanding fully that we had no food yet in our fridge and that the move had drained our bank accounts. When we came over, our first impression was that the Kleiners were nice people and we were so grateful to be in the home of such giving people. Then, when Brittney and I began to talk, we realized something amazing was happening. Not only did we have a similar situation of having a hard time making and keeping friends, we had the exact same sense of humor! When we both laughed at something we found funny, we looked at each other and realized this was the start of something epic.

Over the next months, all that separated us was a stairwell. We got together nearly every night and talked, crocheted, cooked, baked, and laughed until our sides hurt. There were some days we cried together or sat in silence thinking deeply, fearful of what life would bring. We knew though, that no matter what, we had our families and we had each other.

A few months after we met, we realized that there was something else about our relationship that was fascinating. Both of us struggled with a particular hardship in our life. After talking and laughing and crying and exposing my soul to Brittney about this hardship, I found that I began to heal. By taking the time and giving so much to me, she was single handedly stitching the hole in my heart back together. Now, on the day she left, I am a different person than the sad girl she invited over for dinner for the first time.

I can feel the weight of my heart as I contemplate the goodbye we have to say. As I helped her clean her apartment, I realized I was cleaning their memories off the place.  Her daughter Maddie’s make up and nail polish was all over the bathroom. As I washed them away, I washed away the precious mommy daughter moments where they would do makeovers and Maddie’s face would light up because she loved her mom so much. I washed away the powder blue eye shadow she applied to her own eyes and the sparkles she layered on top. I wiped away her footprints running out of the bathroom while she exclaimed, “Mommy! Look! Aren’t I beautiful?” As I scrubbed the tub, I washed away fun bath time moments and put away piles of toys that were key characters at bath time plays and performances. When I vacuumed their living room, I vacuumed up late night talks between her and me and the crumbs we left on the floor when we gobbled up a whole pan of brownies while we expressed our frustrations with life. The kitchen no longer held the picture of a daisy that would over look us as we ate dinner and laughed at her son Eli as he played Wii Bowling. And the bedrooms were void of bedtime stories and Brittney’s countless hours spent soothing her daughter to sleep when sleep just didn’t seem fun enough.

 Now that the rooms are hollow and empty and all of the dirt and precious memories wiped away, I understand a valuable lesson that we all at some time in our lives have to learn. Forever is something we tell ourselves exists between us and someone else. “Oh we’ll have forever. They’ll never leave me,” we may say. But the truth is, someday they will leave. Someday they will go and we will be left wishing we had enjoyed more time and moments with them. We begin to realize the beauty in a child’s laughter even though it hurts our ears sometimes, the innocence in a little boy when his face lights up as he watches his favorite cartoon. And most of all, we realize the specialness of a friendship that fits so easily, like two pieces of a puzzle and the healing power that takes place through their selflessness and laughter. Life is about enjoying these things and taking them for what they are; gifts of God. Brittney was a gift to me to heal me, to make me laugh, and to understand me in a way few people could. Although I’m close to tears, I laugh at the idea of us backward fist pumping again and staying up late to cackle as we scour Pinterest for things that make our sides hurt. I will never forget Brittney and her amazing family. Someday, I hope to do for someone else what she has done for me and I will be forever grateful for her kindness. I’ll miss you gurl! See you soon!

 XOXO-

Brooklin

The Devil's Aide

 In honor of those lives lost in Aurora, I wrote this poem. It conveys every single thing I think about the subject.

 Here is The Devil's Aide-

Somebody hurts today, many hearts mourn,

Because an idea, was wickedly born,

A man with a future took the devil aside,

And promised him aide, he promised him lives,

He took on the shadows, the evil of night,

The blood on his hands, his soul without light,

Dark in a theatre the villain strode in,

Pretending, role playing taking many victims,

Shoot once, shoot twice til blood stained the floor,

Then craved the feeling of taking some more ,

As smoke choked the air and screams rang too clear,

No hero could ransom them, those lives held so dear,

Some were left wounded, some raced for the door,

Many left wondering would they live one day more?

Who was this man to take life in his fists,

And give no concern to the loved ones they’d miss?

Some people may wonder why early in the morn’,

How could such a man ever be born?

Was it only one thought? Or a feeling too dark?

Was it left unattended? Did it leave a scarred mark?

Chain up your thoughts and lock up the devil,

Never let him whisper, nor lie just a little,

Maybe if the lock the man put on his mind,

Had never been broken, they’d all be alive.

Somebody hurts today, many hearts mourn,

Oh sad must it end that this villain was born.

Tomorrows and Next Times...

Tragedy: in my definition, it means something lost, something heart breaking, something that is unfair or not right. Tonight, I want to redefine the way I define that word. Although there are tragedies going on all over the world, mothers losing their children, children losing their parents, people losing their homes, deaths, cheatings, wrongful doings by those trusted etc., I believe that the biggest tragedies are the ones going on right at our feet. I don’t mean our bleeding feet after we’ve lost everything and our hearts are weeping with emotion. I mean stomping on those things that we should love and appreciate the most. I admit that I never thought myself much of a writer. I knew I could do it and that I enjoyed it especially when music was involved, but tonight, I understand why writers use words. They express feelings in ways that I somehow cannot speak to others. These words are my shield that I hide behind; my mask that hides my true identity while utterly exposing it all at the same time. Words are my soul and thankfully, when inspired they are the only thing I can turn to to express what is bursting inside. I watched Becoming Jane tonight. Great movie. Dreadful ending for the poor girl. I was sitting there thinking how wonderful it would be to be an author. Then the ending happened and I was like…no. I don’t want to be an author! I looked over at my husband who’s been incessantly working away at the computer (the one thing he constantly ignores me for) to finish his work so we can get paid. Most times I get mad at him and tell him to pay attention to me, but tonight I just look at him. He’s got a five o’ clock shadow on his face and his hair is unkempt. He’s wearing his superman shirt I bought him a couple years ago (the same shirt he’s worn the past two days might I add) and I can’t help but smile. So few people are as lucky as I am…but then again, I will not compare another’s life to my own or my own to another. In this moment, I am content. I am blessed and so grateful for all that my Heavenly Father has allowed me to have. He has given my heart to this nerdy genius and in its place beats the heart of a boy who loves me to a fault. I am so grateful that I get to walk this journey with him, no matter how long or how short it may be or seem at the moment. My friend once said something to me that I will never forget. She said, “Forever will never seem long enough with my love.” I reiterate the same words with an overwhelming fear that someday forever will end and I will look at my life and wish I had not wished it away. Enough “tomorrows” and “next times.” I will appreciate today because I might not get tomorrow. So many of us trod over the things that we should hold most dear to us because we feel that it will be there tomorrow or next time when in fact once we face the tomorrow we’ve never doubted would come, regret is all that remains.  The Lord gave us today so we can live it and tomorrow so that we can cherish what we have today for just a bit longer. Take advantage of your blessings by loving them and appreciating them. Do not wait until that dreaded day comes and all you have is your longing for one more tomorrow. Do not let your life be a “tragedy.”

Am I fat or just strategically misled?

Here I am, 9:14 sitting in my messy, no I take that back, DISGUSTING apartment looking around being like...ew. I really need to clean. Wish I had the energy. I roll my eyes at myself and think back to what I've eaten today. Did really well eating and then bang. Got home and too much Joey and Melissa turned into way too much chocolate and carbolas. Gross. There are just some days when I feel like I've not only fallen off the wagon, but I'm dragging behind. Oh and that magazine that's staring at me from under two inches of moving dust is like “Hey, come pick me up. I'll make you wanna go bulimic.” I roll my eyes again and for the umpteenth time today wish with all my heart that I'd been raised to appreciate my body. I wish that I didn't cringe when I saw a number add to that stupid, hard water covered scale below my sink. I wish that counting calories didn't seem like a cuddly cactus and wish with all my might that getting myself to exercise was better than jabbing bamboo shoots up my finger nails. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that I am terrified of what my little girl is going to think of herself because she sees the way I see myself. I hate the way I hate the way I look. Ugh! (Caution, I'm being an immature writer descriptively emphasizing every groan in any way possible.) Why is it that we're expected to look like models, wear size negative 4 jeans and wear makeup that “emphasizes” the beauty that's already there?? Why can't the world just appreciate the way we look and stop trying to change everyone into a nonsensical piece of promiscuous advertising??? Alright, I've calmed down a little. Emphasis on the LITTLE. I hope others out there who read this realize that they are beautiful! No matter what size they are! Don't listen to the voices in your head when you see another stretch mark coming in or realize that cellulite really isn't a myth. Ladies, it happens and I'm sorry it does. I know it's a lot easier to say than to put to action, but don't bring yourself down because of the image of you that you've put in your head. In fact, here's an exercise for you: go get a mirror. You got one? Now look at yourself. See all the imperfections, maybe the black heads or a mole you've hated since you were little. I bet you see the lines that are coming in and maybe you shuddered a bit when you realized how much you really do look like your mother (don't worry mom, I don't shudder ;D I love looking more like you every day..ha ha. I wish I looked like you right now.) Now close your eyes. Think of every lesson you've ever learned in Young Women's. Think of all the times in Relief Society or Church when you've been told you're a daughter of God. Think of the things you love about your body, all the things that it does for you. Think of how your Father in Heaven sees you and open your eyes. Do you see the difference? Heavenly Father doesn't see or imperfections and flaws. He sees the laugh lines in our face and is glad we were happy. He sees the scars and freckles that dance across our skin and knows He gave us experiences to grow. He looks at our frowns and hurts inside because He never intended us to look perfectly worldy. He intended us to look perfectly Heavenly. If just for a day, we would stop and notice how much like a Queen we are (because that's what and who we were created to be) we'd realize that yes, there were changes to make to better ourselves (mine being the additional cushion that I've decided will help break a fall) but we are beautiful and unmistakably awesome. Rock your body. Love your body. Love you. Love your Father in Heaven for making you who you are exactly the way He made you. Now while I'm re-reading this article four billion times to stamp it into my brain, I hope you do the same. Oh and next little exercise, tell someone she's beautiful. Be sincere and honestly compliment someone. Maybe she'll think you're talking only about her looks, but you'll know better.  

In GREAT Company

        To those of you who don't know me, hold tight to your seats cuz you're about to. I love to write and was thinking. So...here are a few thoughts :D

        When I was younger, I could be surrounded by people and still feel as if no one understood me. I could walk the halls of school with hundreds of my closest friends and allies walking at my side and feel the empty, hollowness; the throbbing sore known as loneliness. Maybe it was hormones or the misfit mindset, but there were moments when despair would set in for no reason. Here I was, more privileged than so many of my acquaintances, and yet I felt I had something to be sad about. Looking back, I realize that those ebbing sorrows were like blinders over my eyes, making me forget that I had cheerleaders all along my sidelines. But unfortunately, as we grow bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, we lose track of what’s important. Just like the rabbit who is constantly trying to thwart the turtle’s progress in his race, we seem to be more and more willing to sabotage one another. Why??? What the heck? Do we not realize that we are ALL here at the SAME time running the SAME race?? FOR THE SAME REASON? With my own past as a reference, isn’t it somewhat humorous that I thought I was the only one struggling? The only one who struggled ever? To those of  you who have the “Sorrow Syndrome” wake up! You are not alone!!

       Obviously, we will not be surrounded by people at every moment in our live and no, we will not all have the same experiences. In fact, in most of our moments when we learn or do things that bring about the most meaning, we are by ourselves, learning unique lessons. But in every aspect of our lives, no matter how easy or hard a journey we have, we’re all here for the same reason. We all have trials, we all have strengths, we will all have ups and downs. While we may be in different seats, we’re all riding the same roller coaster. Yes, some people may find themselves the unfortunate soul who gets blasted with the queasy person’s puke or the lucky person right in front, but the truth is that we all swallow a few flies on the journey. To think another’s life is without pain is to be completely blind to anyone but ourselves. We need to realize that the race is not against each other. We need to band together and carry those who can’t walk across the finish line. Those who are so wrapped up in winning miss out on the beauty along the way to the finish line.  

Think about it: If you woke up today thinking that you are the only one who hurts, the only one in the whole world who thinks they feel the way you do, you are wrong. I get that you think your pain is big and consumes your heart right now, but don’t let it cloud your vision. When you really stop and ponder, you’ll realize you’ve never been alone. We’ve always had one Being watching over us, walking alongside us. You feel Him in your lowest moment, you hear His voice telling you not to give up even on the steepest climb, and you know He’s catching your tears when you cry. You are not alone. We may never had someone mortal standing beside us, watching and experiencing with us every single move or choice we make in this life, but He has been there the entire time, watching, waiting to stretch out His hand. Most importantly, He patiently stands waiting for you to open the door He put between you and Him to empower your agency.            Don’t let fear of being alone cause you to close the curtains and shut Him out. Invite Him in and let Him heal your pain. Realize that He is the light behind a stranger’s smile, the heart behind a hug, the happiness and joy in a child’s innocent answer to your prayer. He hears you and is aware of who and where you are. He is your cheerleader, the coach’s voice distinctly heard over the roar of a wild crowd. He will lead you, He will carry you, He knows you. He will not abandon you.

       To those of you who read this and say, “this has never happened to me, I’ve never felt like that,” then you’ve missed the point. You have in some way. You are just like us and we are just like you. Strong, beautiful, uniquely flawed and in great company.