The Devil's Aide

 In honor of those lives lost in Aurora, I wrote this poem. It conveys every single thing I think about the subject.

 Here is The Devil's Aide-

Somebody hurts today, many hearts mourn,

Because an idea, was wickedly born,

A man with a future took the devil aside,

And promised him aide, he promised him lives,

He took on the shadows, the evil of night,

The blood on his hands, his soul without light,

Dark in a theatre the villain strode in,

Pretending, role playing taking many victims,

Shoot once, shoot twice til blood stained the floor,

Then craved the feeling of taking some more ,

As smoke choked the air and screams rang too clear,

No hero could ransom them, those lives held so dear,

Some were left wounded, some raced for the door,

Many left wondering would they live one day more?

Who was this man to take life in his fists,

And give no concern to the loved ones they’d miss?

Some people may wonder why early in the morn’,

How could such a man ever be born?

Was it only one thought? Or a feeling too dark?

Was it left unattended? Did it leave a scarred mark?

Chain up your thoughts and lock up the devil,

Never let him whisper, nor lie just a little,

Maybe if the lock the man put on his mind,

Had never been broken, they’d all be alive.

Somebody hurts today, many hearts mourn,

Oh sad must it end that this villain was born.

Tomorrows and Next Times...

Tragedy: in my definition, it means something lost, something heart breaking, something that is unfair or not right. Tonight, I want to redefine the way I define that word. Although there are tragedies going on all over the world, mothers losing their children, children losing their parents, people losing their homes, deaths, cheatings, wrongful doings by those trusted etc., I believe that the biggest tragedies are the ones going on right at our feet. I don’t mean our bleeding feet after we’ve lost everything and our hearts are weeping with emotion. I mean stomping on those things that we should love and appreciate the most. I admit that I never thought myself much of a writer. I knew I could do it and that I enjoyed it especially when music was involved, but tonight, I understand why writers use words. They express feelings in ways that I somehow cannot speak to others. These words are my shield that I hide behind; my mask that hides my true identity while utterly exposing it all at the same time. Words are my soul and thankfully, when inspired they are the only thing I can turn to to express what is bursting inside. I watched Becoming Jane tonight. Great movie. Dreadful ending for the poor girl. I was sitting there thinking how wonderful it would be to be an author. Then the ending happened and I was like…no. I don’t want to be an author! I looked over at my husband who’s been incessantly working away at the computer (the one thing he constantly ignores me for) to finish his work so we can get paid. Most times I get mad at him and tell him to pay attention to me, but tonight I just look at him. He’s got a five o’ clock shadow on his face and his hair is unkempt. He’s wearing his superman shirt I bought him a couple years ago (the same shirt he’s worn the past two days might I add) and I can’t help but smile. So few people are as lucky as I am…but then again, I will not compare another’s life to my own or my own to another. In this moment, I am content. I am blessed and so grateful for all that my Heavenly Father has allowed me to have. He has given my heart to this nerdy genius and in its place beats the heart of a boy who loves me to a fault. I am so grateful that I get to walk this journey with him, no matter how long or how short it may be or seem at the moment. My friend once said something to me that I will never forget. She said, “Forever will never seem long enough with my love.” I reiterate the same words with an overwhelming fear that someday forever will end and I will look at my life and wish I had not wished it away. Enough “tomorrows” and “next times.” I will appreciate today because I might not get tomorrow. So many of us trod over the things that we should hold most dear to us because we feel that it will be there tomorrow or next time when in fact once we face the tomorrow we’ve never doubted would come, regret is all that remains.  The Lord gave us today so we can live it and tomorrow so that we can cherish what we have today for just a bit longer. Take advantage of your blessings by loving them and appreciating them. Do not wait until that dreaded day comes and all you have is your longing for one more tomorrow. Do not let your life be a “tragedy.”

Am I fat or just strategically misled?

Here I am, 9:14 sitting in my messy, no I take that back, DISGUSTING apartment looking around being like...ew. I really need to clean. Wish I had the energy. I roll my eyes at myself and think back to what I've eaten today. Did really well eating and then bang. Got home and too much Joey and Melissa turned into way too much chocolate and carbolas. Gross. There are just some days when I feel like I've not only fallen off the wagon, but I'm dragging behind. Oh and that magazine that's staring at me from under two inches of moving dust is like “Hey, come pick me up. I'll make you wanna go bulimic.” I roll my eyes again and for the umpteenth time today wish with all my heart that I'd been raised to appreciate my body. I wish that I didn't cringe when I saw a number add to that stupid, hard water covered scale below my sink. I wish that counting calories didn't seem like a cuddly cactus and wish with all my might that getting myself to exercise was better than jabbing bamboo shoots up my finger nails. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that I am terrified of what my little girl is going to think of herself because she sees the way I see myself. I hate the way I hate the way I look. Ugh! (Caution, I'm being an immature writer descriptively emphasizing every groan in any way possible.) Why is it that we're expected to look like models, wear size negative 4 jeans and wear makeup that “emphasizes” the beauty that's already there?? Why can't the world just appreciate the way we look and stop trying to change everyone into a nonsensical piece of promiscuous advertising??? Alright, I've calmed down a little. Emphasis on the LITTLE. I hope others out there who read this realize that they are beautiful! No matter what size they are! Don't listen to the voices in your head when you see another stretch mark coming in or realize that cellulite really isn't a myth. Ladies, it happens and I'm sorry it does. I know it's a lot easier to say than to put to action, but don't bring yourself down because of the image of you that you've put in your head. In fact, here's an exercise for you: go get a mirror. You got one? Now look at yourself. See all the imperfections, maybe the black heads or a mole you've hated since you were little. I bet you see the lines that are coming in and maybe you shuddered a bit when you realized how much you really do look like your mother (don't worry mom, I don't shudder ;D I love looking more like you every day..ha ha. I wish I looked like you right now.) Now close your eyes. Think of every lesson you've ever learned in Young Women's. Think of all the times in Relief Society or Church when you've been told you're a daughter of God. Think of the things you love about your body, all the things that it does for you. Think of how your Father in Heaven sees you and open your eyes. Do you see the difference? Heavenly Father doesn't see or imperfections and flaws. He sees the laugh lines in our face and is glad we were happy. He sees the scars and freckles that dance across our skin and knows He gave us experiences to grow. He looks at our frowns and hurts inside because He never intended us to look perfectly worldy. He intended us to look perfectly Heavenly. If just for a day, we would stop and notice how much like a Queen we are (because that's what and who we were created to be) we'd realize that yes, there were changes to make to better ourselves (mine being the additional cushion that I've decided will help break a fall) but we are beautiful and unmistakably awesome. Rock your body. Love your body. Love you. Love your Father in Heaven for making you who you are exactly the way He made you. Now while I'm re-reading this article four billion times to stamp it into my brain, I hope you do the same. Oh and next little exercise, tell someone she's beautiful. Be sincere and honestly compliment someone. Maybe she'll think you're talking only about her looks, but you'll know better.  

In GREAT Company

        To those of you who don't know me, hold tight to your seats cuz you're about to. I love to write and was thinking. So...here are a few thoughts :D

        When I was younger, I could be surrounded by people and still feel as if no one understood me. I could walk the halls of school with hundreds of my closest friends and allies walking at my side and feel the empty, hollowness; the throbbing sore known as loneliness. Maybe it was hormones or the misfit mindset, but there were moments when despair would set in for no reason. Here I was, more privileged than so many of my acquaintances, and yet I felt I had something to be sad about. Looking back, I realize that those ebbing sorrows were like blinders over my eyes, making me forget that I had cheerleaders all along my sidelines. But unfortunately, as we grow bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, we lose track of what’s important. Just like the rabbit who is constantly trying to thwart the turtle’s progress in his race, we seem to be more and more willing to sabotage one another. Why??? What the heck? Do we not realize that we are ALL here at the SAME time running the SAME race?? FOR THE SAME REASON? With my own past as a reference, isn’t it somewhat humorous that I thought I was the only one struggling? The only one who struggled ever? To those of  you who have the “Sorrow Syndrome” wake up! You are not alone!!

       Obviously, we will not be surrounded by people at every moment in our live and no, we will not all have the same experiences. In fact, in most of our moments when we learn or do things that bring about the most meaning, we are by ourselves, learning unique lessons. But in every aspect of our lives, no matter how easy or hard a journey we have, we’re all here for the same reason. We all have trials, we all have strengths, we will all have ups and downs. While we may be in different seats, we’re all riding the same roller coaster. Yes, some people may find themselves the unfortunate soul who gets blasted with the queasy person’s puke or the lucky person right in front, but the truth is that we all swallow a few flies on the journey. To think another’s life is without pain is to be completely blind to anyone but ourselves. We need to realize that the race is not against each other. We need to band together and carry those who can’t walk across the finish line. Those who are so wrapped up in winning miss out on the beauty along the way to the finish line.  

Think about it: If you woke up today thinking that you are the only one who hurts, the only one in the whole world who thinks they feel the way you do, you are wrong. I get that you think your pain is big and consumes your heart right now, but don’t let it cloud your vision. When you really stop and ponder, you’ll realize you’ve never been alone. We’ve always had one Being watching over us, walking alongside us. You feel Him in your lowest moment, you hear His voice telling you not to give up even on the steepest climb, and you know He’s catching your tears when you cry. You are not alone. We may never had someone mortal standing beside us, watching and experiencing with us every single move or choice we make in this life, but He has been there the entire time, watching, waiting to stretch out His hand. Most importantly, He patiently stands waiting for you to open the door He put between you and Him to empower your agency.            Don’t let fear of being alone cause you to close the curtains and shut Him out. Invite Him in and let Him heal your pain. Realize that He is the light behind a stranger’s smile, the heart behind a hug, the happiness and joy in a child’s innocent answer to your prayer. He hears you and is aware of who and where you are. He is your cheerleader, the coach’s voice distinctly heard over the roar of a wild crowd. He will lead you, He will carry you, He knows you. He will not abandon you.

       To those of you who read this and say, “this has never happened to me, I’ve never felt like that,” then you’ve missed the point. You have in some way. You are just like us and we are just like you. Strong, beautiful, uniquely flawed and in great company.

My Prince in his green tie

August 2009-Our beginning

For those of you just tuning in, Brett and I are blind date lovers! Now, don't take that in the sense that we love blind dates cuz I for one HATE them!! In fact, I think it's safe to say that "wanna go on a blind date?" is a typical phrase that can make me break out in cold sweats. Yes, I do find it kind of ironic that I found my true love on a blind date lol...eyeroll. Here's the story:

Scene: Girl is in church. Girl looks over her shoulder to see a handsome boy in a green tie sitting there looking AWESOME. Girl sighs and turns back around. Girl thinks she'll never see boy again. Sacrament is adjourned and girl leaves to gospel doctrine. Girl sits in class. Girl looks over shoulder again and there is boy in green tie. Girl is pleased.

Flash forward two weeks and girl is at a single ward dance when she is approached by a mystery man and her old friend Kelsey. Kelsey asks if girl wants to go on a blind date. Girl breaks out in cold sweats but still is convinced to go on a date because Kelsey mentions the boy in green tie. Girl stops. Girl thinks. Could it be?

Two weeks later, boy is in girl's doorway looking beautiful and stunningly gorgeous with his big blue eyes and TREE TRUNKS of arms :D sigh.

And scene-

So that's the gist of how we met. We dated pretty consistently every weekend until we couldn't stay apart from each other. You see, Brett was actually living in Utah when we met. He came up to meet "mystery man" or Jake Finn, his best friend who had told him about a really cute/single girl, "girl/me." Once he saw me he swore he was going to marry me just for my looks and three months later, I swore I was going to marry him for everything he is/was. I had my wedding gown picked out and ready to start paying for in October/November and Brett didn't propose til April-eyeroll again and sigh- hah. He over analyzes EVERYTHING!

So the modern day fairy tale was made official with our marriage license and we were sealed in the castle of our dreams AKA the Idaho Falls temple. We went to Paris Las Vegas on our honeymoon and totally loved life and still do.

Brett is currently a student at BYU but will soon be graduating. He is thinking about possibly taking on an RA job at Cambridge for MIT and other top dog professors. We both get chills just thinking about it :S We'll be finding out hopefully soon though if we're supposed to be there or in Washington attending WSU as Brett is also hoping to do a PHD. So look out! Mr. Prince Charming is soon to be Dr. Prince Charming :D

I am working and putting Brett through work. I suck at house work and am pretty sparatic in everything I do lol. That's me in a nutshell. Oh and I'm also waaaayyy into music.  I work for the greatest place on earth and everyone reading should stop now and look into Holistic dentistry in Utah. Synergy should come up and there I am! Soooo in love with everything about that job. We may or may not have taken the door off the wall today to trick the Dr. Now how many jobs can people say that about?